There’s been a lot of talk in the aftermath of the September 11th attacks about how people are coping with their feelings. In all of that talking, there have been certain terms and phrases that have been repeated so often that I find that I almost do not notice people saying them anymore. However, when I do notice some of them and when I do stop and think, I find certain of those common terms or phrases to be downright bizarre. Here are three of them, along with some of my own thoughts:

1. The “grieving process.” It would be nice if grief actually followed an orderly process, with people moving through various discreet “stages,” but anybody who has ever deeply grieved a loss knows that grief is, in reality, much more messy than this, without any sense of order or process.

Of course, talk of a grieving process is often based on the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, but her research did not involve grief so much as it involved folks who were diagnosed with a terminal illness. Indeed, when it comes to describing the experience of grief, I prefer the one offered by Frederick Buechner. Buechner likens grief to the waves in the summer surf. They keep coming at you, some bigger than others, some with the force to knock you down. But they pass over you, even the biggest ones, and you can always stand up again.